William is Finally Here!

Before I talk about the details of William’s birth, I just want to say thank you to all of my friends and family for everything that you all have done for us.  I know that you have all been praying for me, and I want you all to know that I have felt all of your prayers and I know that I would not be doing so well without them.  I can’t put into words how much love and support I have felt, and I’m so grateful for that.  I feel very blessed.

I don’t want to even talk about the last trimester.  It was just miserable. We talked to my doctor about inducing.  If you don’t know much about the rules about inducing, let me explain them.  For first time moms, it is illegal to induce before 39 weeks unless it is a medical necessity.  Then, your cervix has to be at least 3 cm dilated and 80 % effaced in order to be induced any time after that until you reach one week after your due date.  I went in to get checked twice a week for the last 3 weeks, and my body was ready to be induced a few days before his actual due date.  Since I felt like I could handle a few more days of being pregnant, we decided to hold off on inducing for another week, hoping that he would come on his own since it is safer than inducing.  The week went by and nothing happened, so we went in to be induced 4 days after his due date.

Things went so well for the first half of labor.  I was dilating really well, and things were very peaceful.  One annoying thing here was that our nurse would not leave me alone!  The anesthesiologist was in a c-section and couldn’t come give me an epidural until he was done with that.  They said it would be about 45 minutes, but something went wrong and it turned into 2 hours.  The nurse kept coming in and asking me if I wanted another form of pain meds until he could get to me to give me the epidural.  I kept telling her no, but she would still come in every two minutes to ask me again!  I was so annoyed!  Yes, it was painful, but really, I could wait.  It wasn’t that big of a deal.  By the way, contractions weren’t nearly as bad as I thought they were.  I had felt much more pain at other times in my life.  They were really painful, don’t get me wrong, just not nearly as bad as I thought they were going to be.

I was terrified of the epidural, and I have no idea why!  I know that everybody’s experience is different, but I felt the pinch when they gave me the shot to numb the area, and then I felt a jolt of pain when he put the bigger needle in.  It didn’t last very long, and then that was it!  So really, don’t be ridiculous like I was and be terrified of it for forever.  It was seriously nothing.  Getting the IV put in my wrist was a lot more painful in my opinion.  The epidural worked well enough to help with a lot of the pain, but it didn’t help all of it.  My legs were completely numb, but it would only numb my abdomen and pelvis if I was laying down on my side, and it would only numb the side I was laying on.  Apparently the numbing medicine goes with gravity.  So I would have to switch sides all the time when one side got too painful to handle. So yeah, don’t be afraid of an epidural, it’s totally worth it, but also know that it may not always work right.

After a few hours, the doctor that worked with my doctor came in to check on us because the monitor was showing that William’s heart rate was dropping after every contraction.  He didn’t really say much to us, but he stood there and watched the monitor for about 5 minutes, and I could see from his face that it didn’t look good.  I asked him about it and he said it was worrisome but not quite serious yet.  He brought in 3 or 4 nurses to look at it, and then he went outside to call my doctor.  When he came back in, he explained that because William’s heart rate was dropping after every contraction it meant that he wasn’t getting enough oxygen from the placenta.  Either the cord was being compressed during contractions or the placenta was too old to supply him with enough oxygen.  We turned off the pitocin to ease the contractions, but after a few hours it still hadn’t made a difference.  Then, they tried a few other things in the next few hours and nothing worked to get his heart rate up.  We were at the point where there was nothing else they could do to try to fix the problem and it was dangerous for William to keep waiting for it to change on its own.  We decided with our doctor that we needed to go ahead with the emergency c-section.  The nurse prepped me for the surgery, and within 5 minutes the anesthesiologist and a few nurses were hooking me up to all these things while my doctor explained the procedure to me.  It was very chaotic!

We got transferred to the room where they do the surgery, and it wasn’t too bad at all!  I did feel really claustrophobic since they tie you down and the sheet is put up right at your neck, but I got over that pretty quickly.  The anesthesiologist and Nick stayed right next to my head the whole time, and that was a huge comfort.  I also started talking with the doctors doing the procedure, and it was actually pretty fun to chat with them!  There was one point during the procedure where I glanced at the big lights that they have above you, and I saw the reflection of what they were doing in that.  I nearly fainted seeing that so I didn’t look up there again.  So if any of you have a c-section in the future, don’t look at the lights!  Trust me, you don’t want to see what they are doing. It turns out that the placenta was too old to provide William with enough oxygen, but the cord was also wrapped around his neck so it probably was being compressed, too.  There was also a lot of meconium(the first bowel movements) present, and thankfully he hadn’t inhaled any of it.  There’s a good chance he would have if we had waited any longer to do the c-section. (It can be really dangerous if they inhale it).  Overall, I felt like everything went very well.  We were treated very well by all the hospital staff, and I always felt well taken care of.  There was one point during labor where I nearly fainted and had to be put on oxygen and it was scary at first, but when everyone came in to help me, it wasn’t scary at all. Even though we had to end with an emergency c-section, I always felt very calm and peaceful.  It was a thousand times better than I expected it to be.  Everyone asks me if I’m sad or disappointed about the c-section, and most of the time I’m not.  I know that it was the best choice in our situation, and I’m so grateful that we had that option so we could get Will here safely.  I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t get to experience a normal birth just because it would have been really cool, and the healing process would be much better.  The doctors that did the surgery told me that I am a perfect candidate for a vbac(vaginal birth after a c-section) because the surgery went really well and the reason for the surgery was because of the baby, not my body.  So hopefully next time we will get to experience a normal birth!

I will never forget hearing those first cries once they got him out.  It was the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard!  I was so jealous of everyone else because they got to hold him and see him and Nick got to go to the nursery with him.  They were all telling me about how he had so much hair and was such a big baby, and I was dying to see him.  They took another 40 minutes to finish the surgery and then I had to recover in the labor and delivery room for about an hour before they took me to my recovery room where I finally got to meet him!  Since it was super late at night, we only spent a couple minutes with him before he went to the nursery so we could sleep, but I didn’t sleep at all that night because I was just too excited!

Recovery has been amazing so far.  At 5 a.m. after the night of the surgery, I started getting up and walking around.  I hated it that first day because I still had the catheter and IV in and I had to have a nurse carry everything any time I wanted to get up.  For the first time I got up, they brought in three nurses because apparently the first time is the hardest, but I didn’t even need their help.  I just got up on my own and they all just stared at me and said they’d never seen anybody be able to do that.  That was pretty awesome since I expected to recover slower than most people.  Things just got better as they took the IV, catheter, and staples out.  I hated being at the hospital.  Everyone was really nice, and I did have a good experience, but I just don’t like the nurses coming to check on me all the time and having to take my blood pressure 20 times a day and stuff like that.  Also, there was absolutely nothing on TV so I was pretty bored and itching to be able to leave and do my own thing.  Because my recovery went so well we got to leave a day early!!  It felt so good!  I should clarify here that even though I was able to get up and walk on my own, it wasn’t painless.  The incision was pretty painful, especially since I’m allergic to any strong pain medication so I had to rely on Tylenol and Ibuprofen. There were a few times where it brought me to tears, but I can honestly say that pain was nothing compared to the pain of the hemorrhoids that I had during the pregnancy.  I also handle pain so much better than I handle sickness so I’d much rather deal with the pain from surgery than the nausea and vomiting that I had during the pregnancy.  It honestly felt like a vacation.

It will be 3 months next week since he was born, and things have gone really well.  Everyone told me that the postpartum period would not be fun since I was recovering from surgery while trying to care for a newborn and my hormones are supposed to be going crazy as they stabilize after the pregnancy, but I didn’t feel any of that.  I’m not saying everyone is wrong, I know a lot of people who really did have horrible postpartum periods.  Is there a such thing as postpartum happiness??  If so, that’s what I have.  Since the day we got home from the hospital, all I’ve wanted to do is be up doing things and going everywhere, but I’ve been really careful not to cause a CFS relapse.  The first 6 weeks I just sat around with Will and did pretty much nothing so I could heal and relax.  That was really nice.  After that, I started going a few different places and cooking and cleaning more, but I still have to take it easy.  I’m still doing really well, but many of my CFS symptoms have come back.  They aren’t nearly as bad as they were before I was pregnant, though, so that’s good news!  I’m also able to start more of a rehabilitation program now that I don’t have a pregnancy looming over my head, so I’m excited about that and hopefully that will help!  I will tell you more about it later!

I also want to mention that even though it has been great, I still have those moments where it’s not great.  For some reason whenever I don’t mention that, people are amazed and ask me if I’ve really never had bad moments.  Of course I’ve had moments where I’m exhausted and caring for William is just so overwhelming and I just have to take a moment to cry about it.  I don’t know of any new mom that hasn’t done that. Overall, I’m so very happy and grateful just to feel a little better and be able to actually get out of bed and my apartment a few times a week.  William is just so cute and adorable and my heart melts a little more every time I look at him.  Here are some pics for you:

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Going Home! He was just so little!

Going Home! He was just so little!

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2 Week Old!

2 Weeks Old!

Halloween!

Halloween!

1 Month Old!

1 Month Old!

This was his blessing day in December.  He did NOT want to get his picture taken.

This was his blessing day in December. He did NOT want to get his picture taken.

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New Update

Wow.  I don’t even know how to explain how hard the past couple months have been.  I guess I should just start from the last time I updated you all.  Physically, things weren’t too bad until a couple weeks ago.  Yeah, I still had nausea and couldn’t eat much, but it has slowly gotten better over time.  Now, I only need to take the anti-nausea medication about twice a week instead of 3 times a day like before.  As of now, the only foods that still make me really sick are vegetables and plain milk!  So that’s great news!  Other than the heartburn, muscle aches, painful feet, shortness of breath, and always feeling light headed, I had a pretty good  month and a half!  It was, and still is such a relief to not have to deal with the nausea and vomiting anymore!!!!

A couple weeks ago, things started getting worse.  I got to the point that I can’t lay on my side anymore because of the pain that it causes on my back and legs.  So I had to start sleeping sitting up.  It was actually working pretty well!  Then, I started getting sick every time after I ate–not nausea and throwing up, just feeling like things weren’t digesting well and stuff.  My doctor said that’s normal in the last trimester since your digestive system is very sluggish.  So now I never have any appetite or desire to eat, but no worries, I make sure I do.

A couple days later, Nick’s father passed away.  We were (and still are) very sad about it, but my heart just sank when I realized I wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral in Arizona.  Maybe I’m just being a baby, but in the three years that I have been sick, I have missed out on EVERYTHING.  Family reunions, vacations, weddings, baby blessings, baptisms, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, mission farewells and homecomings, graduations, and being able to go out with friends.  Then when I got pregnant, it got even worse.  In the past month or two we had to miss both of our brother’s graduations and my brother’s mission farewell.  Since he was going straight to the Mexico MTC, we never got to see him to say goodbye.  That was really hard for me.  When I realized I would miss Nick’s dad’s funeral, it was just the icing on the cake.  I cried for almost a full 24 hours!  I don’t know what happened, once I started crying its like my crazy pregnancy emotions took over and would not let me stop.

The next day, things got even worse.  I spent a couple extra hours on my feet cleaning, doing laundry, and packing stuff for Nick’s trip to Arizona.  It wasn’t bad because I was feeling fine except for the fact that I was still crying the whole time.  In the evening, I started getting a hemorrhoid.  I knew they were pretty common in pregnancy so I wasn’t worried. I was sure it would be fine if I rested and took the pressure off of it, so that’s what I did.  It just continued to swell, and after only a couple hours it was so big that I was dying of pain.  I tried all of the over-the-counter stuff that I could, took extra strength tylenol, and it just kept getting worse.  I felt so bad because Nick had to stay up all night with me crying, and he was supposed to leave for Arizona in the morning.

In the morning, our home teacher came over to give me a blessing.  I can honestly say that the blessing was the hardest thing I have ever had to hear in my life.  I was told that my Heavenly Father wanted so badly to help me, but he couldn’t with this one.  I had to handle this one on my own and follow my doctor’s counsel.  I was so angry and afraid after hearing those words.  Not angry with anyone, just with the circumstances.  I already felt so alone with Nick having to leave, and it just cut so much deeper hearing that my Heavenly Father could not help me at this time and that I had to do it alone.  It did force me to find more strength than I have ever needed, and everything worked out at least manageable in the end.

When my doctor’s office finally opened, I called and told them what was going on, and they had me go in to get it lanced.  I had no idea what that meant, but basically, they cut it open and take all of the blood clots out which makes it so much less painful, and then you just have to rest for a couple days so that it will heal.  The procedure was so freaking painful.  I was so embarrassed crying so hard during it, but I just couldn’t handle the pain!  They sent me home with a prescription for Percocet, and the pain was a ton better just from getting the procedure done.  We went home, I laid in bed all day, took some pain meds, and thought I would be fine.  Nick decided to leave a day later so that he could make sure I was ok.  After about 6 hours, it was just as swollen as it was before the procedure, so we had to go in to get it lanced AGAIN!!!  Also, the pain meds were doing absolutely nothing.  Thankfully, they gave me a shot of lidocaine before cutting into it this time.  It helped a lot, but there was still some pain.  They also told me to double the dosage of the percocet when I got home.  By the time we got home, it was starting to get late in the evening, and I was terrified of Nick leaving me.  I had no idea what was going to happen or if I would have to go in again the next day or later on during the weekend, and that fear mixed with the pain, yeah.  I have never cried so much in my life.  Nick was so torn between staying with me or going to his dad’s funeral.  I felt so bad, and there was no way I was going to let him stay home no matter how much he hated leaving me.  So we decided that he was going no matter what happened.  Thankfully, the Percocet starting working, and it made me really sleepy so I slept really well that night.  Nick left in the morning and I had two awesome former roommates who came and spent the day with me and took care of me.  It was still very painful, but the Percocet definitely took the edge off of it and made it easier to deal with.  That night, the Percocet made me sick.  I called my doctor and since I am allergic to Lortab, there was nothing she could do for me since those are the only pain meds safe during pregnancy.  So I stuck with my extra strength tylenol, and it actually worked pretty well since I had healed a lot within the past day.  I am just so grateful for all of my friends that came to visit with me and make me food and clean my house.  I could not have made it through the weekend without them.

It has been about a week and a half since then, and it has healed really well, but it’s still there. I have to continue to lay down in bed for most of the day.  It’s not too painful at all while I do that.  I can sit up for a little bit every now and then, but if I stay that way for too long it starts to swell again.  I definitely can’t be up doing things, though.  Every time I get up to go to the bathroom or get something from the fridge, it starts swelling immediately and gets more painful.  I had a doctor appointment on Friday for my glucose test (it went very well, by the way) and I now have to be in bed for the rest of the pregnancy.  Remember how some of my pregnancy symptoms are over-exaggerated because of my CFS?  Like with the nausea and vomiting?  Apparently that’s what is happening with the hemorrhoids.  So if I don’t want to keep going in to get it lanced every week, I have to be laying down.  I’m hoping that in another week or so this one will heal and I will be able to at least sit up in bed for most of the day instead of laying down.  Honestly, I am just so relieved that it is healing and that there is something that I can do to prevent it from getting really bad again.  There was nothing that I could do for the nausea and vomiting, and I have never been more miserable or hopeless than I was during those 4 months.

I hate being in bed.  I thought it was bad the past month or two when I just didn’t feel well enough to be out of bed much.  But even then I could cook and clean and take Prim for short walks when I got bored.  But now, I am dying of boredom!  It takes all my strength not to go clean the kitchen or something.  I have given in once or twice to wash some dishes, but I definitely paid for it.  It’s not that I need the cleaning to get done.  I have great friends that come to clean often, and I have lots of freezer meals so we are totally fine, I just want so bad to have something to do and that’s all I can think of doing!  So, I’m not allowing myself to do that anymore.  If you know of anything that I can do in bed, please let me know!!  Reading still makes me sick, so I can’t do that.  I’m extremely bored and even annoyed of netflix, now, so that’s not a good option.  I have a friend coming over this week to teach me how to crochet!  Hopefully, I will be able to do that.  I can look at stuff on the internet for a little bit every day, but if I’m on for too long I start getting sick.  I am now on my fourth day writing this post!

By the way, the baby is doing great.  He is about a week bigger than he should be, so hopefully he will come early!!!!  I have actually been losing weight at my check ups even though my stomach keeps getting bigger and he is growing just fine.  Not sure how that is happening, but I am so glad!  I’ve decided this baby is either very shy or very interested in other people.  When I am home alone all day, he is constantly kicking, rolling, and moving around.  The minute someone else walks in the room, he freezes.  It is so hard for Nick to be able to feel or see him moving because he doesn’t do it when someone else is present!  Is this normal or is he just a weird baby??  I want so bad for Nick to be able to see the things I see all day!  Just for fun, here is my very favorite ultrasound pic of him:

baby fav

 

Isn’t he just too cute?! I’m pretty much done talking about updates, so you can stop reading now if you want.  I’m going to keep writing for a bit since I have nothing else to do.

After going through this experience, I have kind of just accepted that things will happen until this pregnancy is over, and I have recovered.  I still have so much pain everywhere and a billion other symptoms, but as long as they aren’t exaggerated, I just ignore them.  It is stressful and exhausting to get through every day, but I honestly just don’t care anymore.  I know I have to go through it, I know there is nothing that I can do to change it, and I only have 11 weeks left.  I’m not even too worried about the rhogam shot that I have to get at the end of this week.  I’m worried about how going to do it will affect the hemorrhoid, but I couldn’t care less about the shot.  I am still a bit worried about labor, but I want it to come so badly so I can be done being pregnant that I honestly don’t care if it is scary.  I just want to be done already!!!!

Remember how I said way before I got pregnant that I wanted 5 kids and nothing was going to change that?  Yep, it has definitely changed.  We have decided that in about 4 or 5 years we will have another kid, but that is it.  We are waiting that long because I need to have about 2 years after this boy is born to recover from CFS, and then I need a couple more years to be sure that I am in complete remission and be at a healthy weight before I get pregnant again.  If for some reason the second pregnancy is so much better than this one, we might decide to have one more child, but I highly doubt we will ever have more than that.  I just need so much time to recover between each one, and each new one brings the risk of causing a major CFS relapse.  If, however, we do not have a girl next time, we are going to adopt a girl as our third child because we both want a girl so badly.  We would have done the same for a boy if our first two were girls.  Anyways, there’s that little bit of information if you wanted it.

Well, I better go.  I don’t want to get a headache and be miserable the rest of the day.  I hope you all have a great week!

By the way, if you want to help in any way, just let me know.  I have some friends that are signed up to clean for a week or two from now until November, and I can totally add you to that list.  I will also be having some people make some more freezer meals when we run out, so let me know if you want to help with that, too.  It will probably be sometime in September.  We have been so blessed to have so many people that want to help, and we are so grateful for all of you!  You can also come play with Prim and keep me company if you like!

I will also probably need someone to go shopping sometime to get the last few items that we need for the baby, so if you want to shop for cute baby stuff, just let me know!  I will probably have someone do it the end of August or beginning of September.


 

Details!

Now that you all know I’m pregnant, I can finally talk about what’s going on.  I don’t even know where to start.  The past 3 months have honestly been the worst months of my life and it’s hard for me to explain what I went through.  I guess I will just give you the facts for now.  I have HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum)–you can look up the real definition if you want, but basically it’s extreme nausea and vomiting. Any time I got out of bed, I would barf.  Here are some of the differences between HG and morning sickness:

Morning Sickness: Hyperemesis Gravidarum:
Nausea sometimes accompanied by vomiting Nausea accompanied by severe vomiting
Nausea that subsides at 12 weeks or soon after Nausea that does not subside
Vomiting that does not cause severe dehydration Vomiting that causes severe dehydration
Vomiting that allows you to keep some food down Vomiting that does not allow you to keep any food down

 

Thankfully, my doctor gave me some zofran the day after the symptoms started.  The Zofran allowed me to at least keep some food and liquid down and keep me from constantly throwing up, but it didn’t help the severe nausea at all.  There were very few things that I could eat and drink, and every week or two I started throwing up if I smelled or saw the food that I could actually eat so I had to change them often and there were so many frustrating days where I spent the whole day trying to find something that I could eat.  I realize that many women go through this, and it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but if you know me, you know it’s a huge deal.  Before I got pregnant, I could count on one hand the number of times I was nauseous and threw up in my entire life, and they were all traumatizing for me.  I have this fear of nausea and vomiting and I just shut down and cry until it’s over.  And you know what?  Even after 3 months of constant vomiting and nausea, I am still terrified of it!  Although I am still constantly nauseous, it’s more like morning sickness nausea, and I rarely vomit now!  I still gag often but nothing comes up anymore!!  Woohoo!!

Other than the HG, all the symptoms that I had were also severe.  Apparently that happens with CFS patients often–not sure how I missed that the first time I read through the pregnancy info the specialist gave me, but when I went back to read it there it was! So yeah, the other things weren’t fun either, but they were much more bearable than the HG.  I will spare you the details of those other symptoms.

One good thing is that when I hit 16 weeks, a lot of the symptoms calmed down, including the HG.  I’m still pretty sick, but I can at least handle it now.  I also still have to be in bed most of the time, but every once in awhile I can get out!  For some reason my OI (orthostatic intolerance) is still pretty bad, so it’s very difficult for me to stand or sit down without my feet up.  Walking is fine as long as it’s not making me throw up.  I almost fainted while at the doctor’s office since I couldn’t put my feet up there, it was pretty scary and I’m dreading my other appointments.  I love my doctor, though!  So that’s some good news.

Some bad news is that because I was so sick in the first trimester, my doctor says there is a chance that I will be sick again in the last trimester.  Not as bad as the first, but worse than the second.  So I’ve got about 2 months left to get everything done that I need to before baby comes!  So if you get an invite to a baby shower within the next week or two, don’t be weirded out that it’s so early.  I’m doing them now so I can make sure that I can actually go.

I’m sure that you are all wondering how this pregnancy has affected my CFS, and I think it has improved! Remember how I had a new cold/flu every two weeks during fall semester?  I have only gotten sick once since I got pregnant, and it was a simple viral infection that wasn’t very bad and went away within 24 hours!  So my immune system is obviously doing much better!!!  I am also not nearly as tired as I was before I got pregnant, so that’s improved!  I also think that my body can handle more physical exertion than before.  I walked to the park and back the other day and that is about 3 or 4 blocks from my apartment, and I had no negative side affects from that!  If I had done that after being in bed for 3 months with CFS, I would be really sick for a couple weeks.  I think this is what I’m most excited for–I can actually exercise!!!!!!  I know I still need to take it easy, but at least I can do something!

As for my fibromyalgia, it has gotten worse.  It used to be that only my torso and upper arms would hurt when they got touched or scratched, but now it’s my entire body.  I can’t even let Nick touch my stomach to feel the baby because it’s too painful.  The ultrasound today was super painful, but it was so worth it!  How adorable is this little guy!

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Even though the past three months have been the worst in my life, it was so worth it, and I know that anything else I go through in this pregnancy will be, too.  There were many, many times where all I could do was cry and pray that I could just make it through even the next couple of minutes, and one of the only things that kept me holding on was knowing that this would all be worth it in the end.  I am already so in love with this little boy, and I’m so grateful that I get to be his momma.  I am seriously DYING to meet him!!!!  Oh!  Also, my due date is Oct 2.  I can’t believe I almost forgot to mention that!   Well, I’m going to go watch the DVD of the ultrasound we got for the 100th time so I will just have to give you the rest of the info later!  

P.S.  We already have the name picked out, but we aren’t telling anyone but close friends and family until he gets here 🙂




 

 

 

 

Finally, a good update!!!!!

I definitely have a lot to talk about, but first, I have to tell you all that I’m finally seeing improvements!!!!!!  Are you so excited?? I’m dying of excitement!!  Anyways, let me start with where I left off last time and we will get to how I’m feeling now.

So remember when I said I had a bad cold and then I just felt horrible afterwards and was really worried about how long that little relapse would last??  That was like the middle of September (I think), and I have had cold after cold after cold since then.  So from the beginning of October to about two weeks ago, I had a new nasty cold every two weeks.  I know they were colds because Nick got every single one of them, too.  I also had a UTI about the middle of November that spread to my kidneys within hours on a Saturday morning and I was an idiot and waited until Monday morning to go get some antibiotics.  I thought I was dying I was in so much pain! I never knew that kidneys could hurt so bad!  I seriously thought they were going to burst.  Next time, I’m getting help right away.  So I was on antibiotics for about two weeks to get rid of that.

It was the middle of November right before I started taking the antibiotics when I started noticing that I was feeling a little better, despite having a cold.  Then, on Monday of this week, I just had a big burst of wellness!  I don’t even know how to explain it, I just felt a thousand times better!  I was so excited that I went grocery shopping and then cleaned a lot when we got home.  The next day I was super sick.  I thought I had caught another cold, but when I woke up on Wednesday, I felt so much better again!  Nick and I went to see the Hunger Games in the theater and it was amazing!!  That made me really sick that night and all day Thursday.  Friday I felt better again and I took it easy during the day so I could go to our ward Christmas party that night.  I could only stay for an hour because I was so overwhelmed with everyone asking me about how I was doing, but it was fun I guess.  I’ve been exhausted all day today, but we got to go visit Nick’s sister’s family this morning and that was really fun.

The bad thing about all of this is that I have no idea what could have helped me feel better. I have been working on my diet since July, but maybe it has finally started helping more?  I wonder if maybe the antibiotics helped for some reason, but I did start noticing changes before I started taking them.  A couple people thought that maybe since I kept getting colds for so long that my body was so focused on fighting those that it stopped fighting itself.  That totally makes sense to me, but I have no idea how much it would help.  I know I shouldn’t worry so much about what it was, but I wish I knew for when I get future relapses so I can know what to do then.

I have also switched everything I use to natural, home made products.  All of my beauty products, make up, shampoo, soap, laundry soap, cleaning products, etc. have to be homemade.  I know there are a lot of natural brands out there, but I can’t know for sure if it is completely natural unless I make it myself.  Crazy, right?  This was a hard step for me because I always thought people who did stuff like that were weird and paranoid or really needed to save a little bit of money.  But, I did it because a couple people with CFS told me that switching helped them a ton.  It’s not expensive so it can’t hurt.  Plus, no one knows what could be causing CFS so eliminating everything I can think of only helps me get closer to figuring out what really helps!  I have been gradually changing over since the middle of October and now I only have a few more things to make until everything I use is homemade.  It has actually been pretty easy, and most things can be made with cheap stuff we already have like corn starch, vinegar, coconut oil, and cocoa powder.  I will try and post the recipes that I like soon.  I want to try this for at least a year to see if it helps over time, and even if it doesn’t work I think I want to raise our kids that way.  One of the main theories for causes of CFS is harmful chemicals, and that could include a lifetime of chemicals in every day products.  Even if it turns out not to help my kids prevent getting CFS, it will definitely be worth the try.

Another thing that happened this week was that I found out I’m no longer a student at BYU.  Sad, right?!  Here’s what happened:  I went to go sign up for a class for winter semester, and it said that I couldn’t sign up for one.  I called the number it told me to call, and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong, so they sent me to the admissions office to figure it out.  They said that because last winter semester I withdrew from all my classes I used my one leave of absence I was allowed.  When I took another one this fall, they dropped me as a student.  K, remember way back when at the beginning of fall semester when I talked to the disability center and they told me that I could take a leave of absence this semester and I would be fine?  And remember how I didn’t believe them so I went to talk to my advisor and they said I would be fine?  Then I filled out the papers for a leave of absence and not one person said, hey, you realize you’re dropping out of BYU and not taking a leave of absence by turning in these papers, right?  Yeah.  I just don’t get how I could be dropped as a student without being warned or even told afterwards.  So, I was upset and cried for awhile until Nick talked to me and reminded me that I wasn’t even feeling well enough to take a class next month anyways and it was probably for the best.  I know it is, and now I have a much better chance of getting better since I won’t have the work of a class, but I’m still upset that I was forced out because so many people gave me wrong information.  I wish I could have made the choice on my own.  But it’s ok, I can apply again whenever I am ready.  But really.  Are you guys ticked about this?  I’m just so annoyed.

Anyways, I think that’s about it for now.  I’m just dying to get feeling better!  I know I’m so excited to go out and do random stuff, but I need to hold back and only do like one or two things a week so I don’t cause a major relapse before I can get feeling better.  The better I feel the less risk of a major relapse so I just need to get back up to where I can function normally again before I start doing things.  But I’m so dang excited!!!!!!!!!!  Ok, I’ll stop.  I hope you all have a great Christmas!!

“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.”

This is such a good quote.  I immediately thought of one thing after I read this–I have learned how to be sick.  Sounds weird, right? After being sick for years, I have learned how to be sick.  Let me explain.  This year, my husband and I have so far had 3 nasty colds in the past 2 months.  I have noticed that I don’t feel near as sick as he does and I’m able to do some things such as cook, clean, etc. whereas he feels like he can’t get off the couch.  I’m not saying he’s lazy.  He’s sick, obviously he doesn’t want to do anything.  I think I am able to do those things because I have gotten used to doing those things while being sick.  That skill will help me when I’m sick and have a family to take care of.  It has already helped me take care of my husband while we are both sick.  Even if it sounds a little funny, I’m glad that I have learned how to be sick.  There are definitely other things I have learned and become better at because of my trials, but that is just the first one that came to mind.  Think about things you all have learned–are there any funny or strange things you’ve learned from trials?  I would love to hear them if there are!

“Be nice to yourself, it’s hard to be happy when someone is mean to you all the time.”-Christine Arylo

Oh, boy.  I don’t know about you all, but this is probably my biggest flaw.  My entire life I have beat myself up every day for not accomplishing all that I wanted to or being the person I want to be.  Even now, when I gave Doctors’ orders to stay on the couch and rest all day, I am mean to myself.  Some days it seems like all I can think about is how I need to work out, clean, do school work, bake cookies for a friend, etc.  I tell myself that I’m so lazy and that my illness is all in my head and I’m ashamed of myself.  Sometimes I get so frustrated that I actually get up and do some of those things I think I should be doing, and I just end up making myself more sick because of it.  I am trying to be better at not doing this, and I think I am slowly making progress.  I have found that focusing on what I was able to accomplish instead definitely helps a lot.  I have also found that finding different ways to serve others such as letting a friend come for a visit or giving them a call–things that I can actually do–makes me feel so much better.  I have always had pretty ridiculous goals that no one would ever be able to accomplish in a day, and planning things that are doable makes it easier to be happy with what I have accomplished.  If any of you have trouble with this, I am right there with you, friend.

“When you have a bad day, a really bad day, try and treat the world better than it treated you.” -Patrick Stump

K, this quote is perfect for me.  It is so hard for me when I have a horrible day because of the actions of other people to not stay upset and take it out on other people that don’t deserve it!  I have been working on letting things go lately, and I think I’m getting better at it, finally!  Before, I just felt like those people needed to pay for what they did and I just couldn’t let it go.  I have found that when I just decide to let things go, it’s so much better.  I’m not angry and frustrated all day (I HATE those feelings), I don’t remember the experience in the long run as much as I did when I thought about it for days, and it’s so much easier to forgive others after letting things go.  I have also found that when I decide to let things go instead of being angry about it all day, I tend to begin to understand those people that made my day so horrible.  I start to see their actions through their eyes, and I don’t blame them for what they did anymore.  It’s a strange feeling, but I love it!  I hope you all can find that these things are true, also.